I haven’t written on this blog for several months now but I needed to write again. Loris will be 4 months soon, and I will write a post all about how wonderful she is because she really is, and I haven’t even introduced her here yet, but first, what’s been going on….
Andrew and I truly had a terrible year. There was just one thing after the next that kept going wrong, from losing our home to a horrible factory to me losing my job. My parents decided to get divorce after 43 years of marriage, Olive and Pierre had several surgeries, and baby Loris was born very sick, which has been an ongoing crisis.
After nearly 9 years of working with this company, I lost my job in October because I decided to have another baby. It is a long and hurtful story, that has left me truly shocked, but that is the gist of it. And of course as soon as I lost my job, everything went terribly wrong, all at the same time, so Andrew and I are experiencing the worst financial stress we’ve ever experienced, and are rapidly getting into debt.
Loris was born with what is called Severe Allergic Colitis, and it took us nearly 3 months of what I can only describe as a never-ending nightmare to figure that out. Loris was in such pain and there was a lot of blood in her stool and no matter what we did or how many doctor appointments we went to, nothing was working, everything kept going wrong.
She would scream for hours, and could never settle, would choke on her terrible reflux, and by evening would finally pass out from pure exhaustion – I would go into my shower, lay on the floor and sob.
I cut every single thing out of my diet for breastfeeding, and yet she was still suffering, we tried several types of formula, and each time she would have a bad allergic reaction, and then she started to lose weight — we finally got in with a GI Specialist and she received her diagnoses and we were told what formula she had to be on immediately to start healing her.
The food costs $50 a can though and we go through 3-4 cans a week, costing around $600 every month in just formula and it’s killing us, and though it is something our child needs medically to survive, insurance refuses to pay for it. We have tried every single angle and there’s no way to get any of it covered.
Then Pierre suddenly started to go down hill with a freak inner ear infection that they believe started because he somehow inhaled his food….and before we knew it he was getting an MRI and two surgeries – which has cost us nearly 20K to fix.
And for a few weeks he seemed to be his old self again, and I thought what a blessing had occurred, how much worse it could have been. I felt so grateful…but this week he has started to decline again…and we fear that even with everything we did, there is a bigger issue at play here (that was not present as all his tests came back perfect) and we will be losing him soon, which has nearly broken what is left of my heart after this shite year.
Pierre means so much to us, and the idea of losing him when we had felt so hopeful is cruel. I know that older age is unpredictable in dogs as we painfully learned with losing Addis….but I truly feel so hopeless, so terribly hopeless about it all that has been going wrong. I know I am blessed in many ways, but we can’t seem to get a break.
I mean don’t even get me started on how our washing machine pulled away from the wall and flooded all three floors of our NEW HOME!? We caught it in time, it could have been so much worse, but we still have to replace our kitchen ceiling!!
And it doesn’t help that my family is totally broken, so there’s no one to lean on and they’re so wrapped up in their own issues, they can’t even comprehend what we’ve been going through. I spend more time being a referee, using what’s left of my mental faculties to keep them from killing each other. I wish I could silence it all, silence all this pain, exhaustion, and fear. My anxiety has never been so high.
I have been looking for other jobs because we are in a desperate situation, but I have no idea how to make it work with two kids, and Loris is not out of the woods yet, she still has several obstacles to overcome – her reflux is still terrible and there’s sooooo much spit-up, I am doing non-stop laundry….but she’s getting there.
I keep telling myself I need to get Loris to a good place, and then I could get a job in the evenings/and weekends, but then another bill comes and my anxiety spikes and I’m sitting there at 3 am feeding Loris while combing the job boards like a lunatic.
I want a break, a break from all this stress. I want to feel like some kind of balance is coming…I want to feel like God is hearing my prayers…I want to feel like kindness still exists, and I want to know that we will survive this, and I want to believe that, because right now I don’t.
The only thing that has prevented me from completely losing my mind, is love. And that might sound cheesy but I mean it sincerely…it is love for my husband who spends his nights on Loris’ floor because he knows if I were doing it, I’d stay awake the whole night worrying about every single sound she made. Trust me, if you’d witnessed your baby choking as many times I have, you couldn’t sleep either.
It’s love for Wallis telling her dad that she climbs into our bed at night because she’s scared but knows “mama will keep her safe.”
It’s love for Loris and watching her roll over at only 11 weeks and hearing her laugh so loud during the night (she’s a real chatterbox) it wakes us all up.
It’s love for Pierre who has stood by the stairs every night since Loris arrived to greet me coming down to make yet another bottle, and it’s love for Olive who sits on my feet when I cry.
It’s love for my little family and the joy they bring to my life even during the darkest days, especially those days.