This year, more than ever, I have looked at our lives and thought, who do we think we are?
We have a 126 year old home that needs constant maintenance.
We have nearly an acre garden that needs constant maintenance.
We have our careers.
We have freelance work.
We have a baby.
We have dogs and bees.
We have each other.
And that’s the main topics…what about all the other small stresses that fill our subtopics? What about meal planning, cars breaking down, and Olive having emergency surgery? What about packages that arrive broken or not at all or the grass the needs to be cut? What about bills that need to be paid, filters that need to be changed, and so.many.diapers?
Just the other day my mom was watching Wallis while I was trying to get work done and she texted me that Wallis was refusing to nap and was having a lot of teething pain, so I started to stress hurry to finish my work, so that I could go pick her up. While I was hurrying up with my work, Andrew was moving a can of paint and literally dropped it in such a way that the lid broke open and spilled everywhere, at least half of a gallon all over our bedroom floor. So as we are trying to clean that up, I get a call from our vet (that we were expecting so I didn’t want to miss it) and learned that Pierre’s ALT is still elevated and I need to consider more tests. Sweet mercy of days, and this is not unusual, because the more you have in your life – the MORE YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!
We don’t have a nanny, lawn people or house cleaners. We have a full life on a limited budget, and I know so many of you understand this, but this is why we don’t vacation or even socialize, our life has little room but for survival and though we are content, dare I say happy in it (most days) — this year has been a struggle for us as a couple.
The friendship that sealed our love has rocked hard against itself. We are exhausted and exhaustion turns to desperation and desperation turns to anger and before we know it, we’re hiding from each other but wondering if the other feels like pizza.
We have another section of property that we’ve taken well enough care of over the last 5 years with plans to completely overhaul it once we’ve finished with the other parts of our property but this year, we completely let it go and when I look at it, I think, we are the part of our property that we’ve let spiral out-of-control. Something had to give…so now it’s overgrown with weeds and snarled. We can still see the potential, especially when the morning glories bloomed, but other days, we don’t even look at it because of the shame we feel for neglecting it.
There are days where we have come out on top. Where we victory danced as we tuck ourselves into bed, but those days have not been as many I would like. We’re getting there, I can feel it…I keep telling myself that we needed a year, that having a baby is a huge adjustment of self and what mattered before, and all that chaos breathing at once.
Over the 13 years we’ve been together and the 10 years we’ve been married, Andrew and I have written each other a lot of love letters, but this year, this year I felt like expressing the current place our hearts are at, not the overall love and respect we always have for each other. Marriage is serious hard work and the work we do and how we do it, is crucial to who we are as parents and who we are as partners. My only obligation is to Andrew and Wallis…and maybe Pierre and Olive, though they’ve been really judgy about those new treats I got them and what’s that about?!
Ten years later and our days are not as they started 10 years before, but our nights still end the same way, in bed holding each other whispering about the days events – sometimes we’re working through a bad day, sometimes we’re complaining, laughing, crying but always together and to me, that’s pretty darn good.
I love you Charles…and yes, I would like pizza too.