Yesterday I had to admit to myself that Wallis was still a bit too small for 3 month clothing but she was for sure too big for 0 to 3 and it was time to change out her drawers. As I stole a moment and hurriedly switched out her clothing while she napped…I felt a sharp pain in my heart realizing that she would never wear the tiny clothes I was holding in my hands again. She would never wear the outfit that we brought her home in from the hospital only 3 months earlier…it was too big on her then, the footies dangling below her tiny feet. I couldn’t imagine then that she would ever be able to fill it out let alone grow out of it…but here we are…here I will be over and over and over again until she will no longer need me to change out her drawers.
I feel such sadness for the future and yet such joy…I am not sure I will ever feel anything but this mix of emotions each day that I look at her, each day that I reach for her, hold her, kiss her…because she will continue to look at this world wide eyed and ready and I will continue to say no, no yet…a little longer…it will never get easier, I can feel that now but the joy will guide me through it as it has these last 3 months.
Maybe it is because she is no longer considered a newborn but 3 months feels like a big change and I am going to need time to let it wash over me and embrace that we got here, how we got here and where we’re going next.
Wallis is truly such a happy baby. She is always watching everything everyone is doing…her eyes gliding around the room absorbing every last drop of life. She is intensely interested in it all and greets most of it with a huge smile. I love this about her but I also have moments where I want to say calm down baby, you just got here.
Andrew and I have been through so much with Wallis already…we have had to learn quickly with a torturous lack of sleep. We have had to move through the quick sand that is colic and now silent reflux on top of the millions of little things that happen every single day. Newborns have to be coaxed into this world…it truly is a fourth trimester for them but man, do the parents not get a moment to catch their breath while these wee newborns adjust and then suddenly, they are 3 months old and you feel like you just left the hospital. You also feel like you’ve aged 10 years but that’s neither here or there.
Wallis stretches as though she’s been sleeping for days, she babbles on to you with such charisma that you forget she’s not actually speaking a language you understand, she loves bath time but loves to splash and kick that the water flies and I wish desperately we had a real tub…she would be so cute to watch and I know swimming lessons are in our future.
One of the things I love the most that she is doing right now is when she gets fussy (more like complaining) and we know it’s time for her to take a nap or a meltdown is imminent — one of the things we do is place a pacifier in her mouth for comfort — but now she babbles disgruntled like while it’s in her mouth so it’s this muffled annoyed babbling that she continues all the way to her crib and it makes me laugh every single time because she’s totally telling us off and listing out all the reasons she’s had it up to here with us.
My mom likes to say that no matter what Wallis calms down immediately in my arms and that makes me feel pretty special…though Andrew is much better at getting her to take naps. If I am trying to put her to sleep, she just stares at me wide-eyed and smiling, then I start to laugh, she starts to giggle and it’s all down hill from there.
We truly feel so blessed to have Wallis in our lives and with the bonus of our two bulldogs all that is missing to complete this circle of love…is a miniature donkey. Seriously, someone get me a mini donkey STAT. I have no idea how the next months will go though I know they will move quickly…I know there will be days that feel never-ending and days that feel so good you wish they’d never end…but today I’ll be celebrating the best 3 months of our life and trying hard not to cry all over it.