Wallis is officially two weeks old today…how did that happen? I imagine I’ll be spending the rest of my life writing that same sentence…how did that happen because time truly is a thief and I have never felt that more than after becoming a mom.
I have spent the last two weeks very emotional…crying no sobbing over so many feelings that I am not sure how to manage as they flood my body and mind. Rarely do they even come with a warning before I find myself sobbing while thinking about so many different things.
I’ve cried for the typical reasons of new motherhood. The exhaustion, the joy, the breastfeeding, the postpartum recovery…all of which I have shed many tears over.
I cry because I love her more than I ever dreamed possible. My heart feels heavy with this love as though if I am not careful it could burst from how much I’ve always loved her. I cry because I don’t feel like enough at least 50% of the time…as soon as I’ve gained some kind of confidence in taking care of her, something happens and I wonder if I’ll ever feel good enough for this incredible job.
Over the last two weeks I have spent hours looking at her and some of those crying…wanting to not forget a single detail. The way her hair smells, lips curl, or even how she goes a bit cross-eyed when trying to poop. I’ve cried because she’s getting bigger, cried because I don’t want her to, cried because I want her to and cried because it means life will move quickly now…it will move at a speed that will take my breath away and I will look back and wonder, was I present enough?
Late at night when she’s finally fallen asleep in my arms…I wonder if I will remember that night and ache knowing I won’t…knowing that these nights will bleed into the next and then I try to tell myself to not feel sad about that but to be present Tiffany…to not focus on the going but remain in the happening because this gave my life purpose and it doesn’t matter that I won’t remember every single detail, it matters most that I was apart of the details.
I think the hardest thing as a human being is to remain present, is to tell oneself to truly be in the moment…do not think of the past or the future. I do not want to move through these moments as it seems we do. I know I struggle with this because my heart was born mourning what I can not change and it’s the inevitability of that, that brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart heavy more than I’d like.
Andrew is so looking forward to the milestones…he can’t wait…and I know I will feel elation to see her grow but with that will also come intense sadness that I will have to work at not absorbing into.
Often I find myself drifting outside of a moment to watch it as if it were a photograph, caught in time about to pass but something I want desperately to remember and hold on to. I watch my parents, my brother, my husband, dogs and now Wallis and think… remember this…remember them right now because I know by tomorrow everyone is one day older and yesterday is gone. I don’t mean to come across so morbid but that’s how I’ve always been…trying to grasp time and now with Wallis, I see this time as something I will only be able to look back on even as I am experiencing it.
I think before her there was apart of me that thought I could remain young and everything around me was standing still just enough but now that she’s here and each morning she’s different from the last, I am being forced to face the truth that follows us all and work to not take a moment of it for granted.